What Makes a “Nice Guy” ? And How to Raise One ?
Hello Everyone ! In recent years, we’ve been hearing a lot about the “nice guy” phenomenon. A rare gem every woman supposedly has in her circle but would never consider dating. The definition of a “nice guy” remains rather vague, and apart from the fact that he’s often not chosen by women, we don’t know much more about him.
Over the past few decades, women’s standards have truly evolved, largely thanks to the reduction of gender inequalities. Today, many seek a life partner rather than a man with high social status. However, men often struggle to adapt to this new standard, as it clashes with the idea of masculinity they internalized from a young age.
There’s a real need to deconstruct a sometimes toxic version of masculinity in order to rebuild harmony between genders. Many adult men have already started this work, engaging in self-reflection and finding fulfillment in their relationships with women, whether platonic or romantic.
But we must not forget that, as parents or future parents, it is our responsibility to break the harmful codes of masculinity that can poison future relationships. We must also fill the gaps left by traditional education to create a more harmonious society.
Children are the future, but they are also the reflection of the education we give them. That’s why I’ve highlighted what makes a nice guy and 7 lessons that can help raise boys who grow into respectful, emotionally healthy men.
1. A Nice Guy Lives Without Double Standards
A nice guy is a man who doesn’t add to the so-called “mental load”, but naturally takes responsibility at home. It’s not about “helping out” only when his partner asks. It is about taking initiative: scheduling the kids’ vaccinations, emptying the dishwasher when it’s full, and so on.
This sense of responsibility is learned from a young age. The mental load exists largely because girls and boys are raised differently. Girls aren’t naturally better at managing a household, they’re taught to be. For example, they are expected to set the table or help prepare meals. While boys are praised when they do it just once. Children also tend to mimic family patterns: girls follow their mothers’ example, boys follow their father’s.
So if the mental load existed in their family, they’re likely to repeat it with their future partner. That’s why it’s important to hold boys to the same expectations as girls. Not only to reduce the mental load, but also to prepare them for adult life.
2. Teach Them Vulnerability Isn’t Weakness
“A real man doesn’t cry,” “Be strong” or “Emotions are for the weak” are examples of the messages boys receive to fit a certain ideal of masculinity. These messages are harmful in many ways and over the long term. First of all, boys, like girls, feel emotions they are no different. The only difference is that they’ve been taught that expressing these emotions is socially unacceptable. Whereas girls are encouraged to feel and express them.
Feeling emotions is essential for regulating the nervous system. The problem is: what happens to these emotions if they’re “suppressed” ? Stress still needs to be released. That’s why boys often develop coping strategies that are harmful. For example, anger may be amplified because it’s the only emotion society seems to allow men to show. They might also turn that frustration inward or try to avoid difficult situations altogether. In other cases, they may resort to compulsive behaviors, like addiction to video games, exercise or substances.
That’s why we need to stop these harmful messages they’re destructive for boys and for society as a whole. It’s crucial to treat boys’s emotions the same way we treat girl’s: encouraging them to experience their feelings and communicate them, rather than suppress them. We need to teach them that emotions are normal and that they are a source of strength, not a weakness. Boys who grow into emotionally aware men often learn to understand their feelings and respond to frustration calmly, a quality many would recognize in some nice guys.
3. Their Worth Isn’t Defined by Success with Women or Men
Success with women/men has been linked to masculinity for millennia. Ad as a result, many men have sought validation from women/men to affirm their identity. The problem with this is that seeking external validation is a perfect recipe for unhappiness. Being without a partner could make one feel less of a man or incomplete. But also because gaining validation from women/men doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have fulfilling relationships.
Ultimately, nothing guarantees that you will always have a partner in your life, whether you’re a man or a woman. Life is unpredictable you can separate, divorce or simply find yourself single. Moreover, more and more people are choosing different paths: focusing on their studies or careers or embracing a single life. Mathematically speaking, if some people choose to stay single, others will be single by default.
Instilling in a child the idea that their worth depends on their success with women/men is almost a guarantee of unhappiness. So what if we flipped the problem upside down and taught young boys to cultivate an inner life so rich that seeking a partner would just be one option among many ? Let’s teach them to build confidence through hobbies they love ! Or simply start telling them that they are enough just as they are.
4. Teach them Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence isn’t innate, yet it’s an essential skill in everyday life. It’s also something you’ll often find in some nice guys, simply because it helps them connect more easily with others. As a result it has positive ripple effects on society. When developed, it fosters greater empathy, makes it easier to build long-term connections with others, and allows us to live well within society. Not only feeling good ourselves but also having a positive impact on those around us. We offer attentive listening, thoughtful advice, and we gain a strong capacity for introspection, which helps us grow socially when we notice our own shortcomings.
Interestingly, research suggests that girls often have a more accurate understanding of emotions and stronger knowledge about how to manage them, giving them a slight advantage in certain aspects of emotional intelligence. This is not because they are naturally predisposed to it, but largely due to the way they are raised. For example, they may be encouraged to share, include others, and reflect on their feelings. Social norms also tend to allow girls more freedom to express and discuss their emotions, which supports their emotional awareness. Understanding their own emotions can help them better understand and respond to the emotions of others.
5. Teach Them How to Build a Community
This is connected to learning emotional intelligence and understanding that our self-worth shouldn’t depend on romantic approval. Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about the “male loneliness epidemic”. A trend suggesting that some men are becoming increasingly lonely because more women are choosing to stay single. This highlights the role women often played in men’s social lives.
For generations, many men leaned on their romantic partners for social connection. Women were often the ones maintaining friendships and community ties.
Of course, not all men fit this pattern, many have strong circles of friends. Others also struggle with loneliness, which they sometimes used to fill through romantic relationships. The issue is that relying on romantic partners for social connection isn’t sustainable in the long run, since finding a partner takes time, life priorities can differ, and sometimes people simply aren’t looking for a relationship.
The reality is that everyone needs social connections to thrive, and friendships play a crucial role in emotional stability. That’s why it’s important to encourage boys to socialize from a young age, inviting friends over for birthdays, spending time at friend’s houses, both boys and girls, during weekends or vacations. Doing so teaches them that life exists beyond school and, more importantly, how to maintain a healthy social circle a habit that will benefit them well into adulthood.
6. Consent Talk
I know that sex is already a very taboo topic in some families or cultures, so talking about consent is an entirely different matter. Many parents do discuss sexuality and cover topics like contraception or sexually transmitted infections, but that’s not enough. Consent, however, isn’t limited to sexual situations. When you look closely, it’s a question that is an integral part of a child’s life.
And perhaps that’s why we see so many consent-related issues in adulthood: adults often ignore a child’s consent from a very young age. Parents or caregivers force a child to give a hug or a kiss to an uncle when the child doesn’t want to or they hug or grab the child despite the child’s body language clearly showing they don’t want to be touched.
Yes, consent applies to these non-sexual situations too and yes a child has the right to control their own body. They express when they don’t want something and just because they are physically smaller doesn’t mean anyone has the right to give consent on their behalf.
One can imagine that a child whose caregivers don’t respect their consent may later struggle to recognize other people’s consent. That’s why we see unwanted gestures in certain situations: for example, a stranger touching you in a nightclub or a partner insisting on getting what they want even after you’ve said no.
So, even before we talk about sexual consent, it’s essential to acknowledge and respect a child’s consent. We can tell them that they don’t have to kiss their aunt to say hello, they can wave or nod instead. We can encourage them to assert their “no”, repeat it over and over if needed, and also to respect others’ boundaries. And this should start from the very first “no”.
7. A Nice Guy Sees Women as Allies
The rise of the online masculinist movement, the “Podcast Bro” culture and certain Reddit communities have contributed to a growing divide between men and women. Gender divisions have always existed, but men and women used to live together in community.
While progress in women’s rights has brought us closer to equality, some of this online movement pushes back by dehumanizing or sexualizing women. A nice guy, someone who respects women stands apart from this toxic culture, showing that men and women can relate with mutual understanding and care.
We’re also seeing a revival of old ideas like the Madonna–whore complex and it is alarming ! More than ever, men and women must stick together and envision the future as a shared one. We’ve come so far together, building a fairer society, but there’s still so much work to do.
Our children are tomorrow’s hope and we must fight to pass on the values of living together in harmony.Little boys need to learn that girls are their equals, that they should be respected and cherished and that they are not the enemy. We should encourage them to mix, to form platonic friendships and to grow up valuing each other.
